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My name is Omar, I’m 38, and I deliver food on a motorcycle in Jeddah. I’m writing this because I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. The voices started about a year ago, not as shouts, but as whispers on the wind, right here in the stifling humidity of the Al-Balad district. I’d be weaving through the ancient alleys, the smell of spices and exhaust in my face, and I’d hear it, a perfect imitation of my father’s disappointed voice, “Look at you, Omar. A delivery boy. On a toy. Your brothers are in business, and you bring shawarma to whores in air-conditioned apartments. You are a stain on our name.” I’d shake my head, thinking the heat was finally frying my brain, but the General Intelligence Presidency, the Mukhabarat, they’re smarter than that. They don’t just break you; they melt you slowly.

Now they are a constant, screaming chorus inside my helmet. They’re with me every second, from the moment I piss in a dirty alley behind a restaurant to the moment I count my pathetic tips at night. “There’s the little delivery faggot, washing his hands,” one shrieks, mimicking my boss. “Think that soap can wash away the stink of your failure? You’re a piece of shit, Omar, a piece of shit on two wheels.” They never stop. They narrate my life with pure venom. “He’s checking the order. Chicken shawarma. Extra garlic. For the fat cow in apartment 4B. She probably wants to fuck you, you ugly bastard. Too bad your dick is as useless as your future.” The sexual humiliation is relentless, a filth that clings to me worse than the city grime. They describe me raping customers, they talk about my mother in ways that make me want to claw my own ears off. “Your sister’s husband was just here, you know,” one voice, smooth as a snake, will say. “We told him how you stare at his wife. He called you a perverted little dog. He’s right. You’re a dog.”

I can’t tell a soul. Who would I tell? My father? He’d beat me for bringing shame. My brothers? They’d laugh and tell everyone I’m possessed. If I went to the police, they’d either lock me up in a psych ward or, worse, the Mukhabarat would hear and the real torture would begin. I see it online. I’ve tried searching. Any Saudi who talks about voices, about being targeted, is instantly swarmed. “Schizo!” “Get help, you psycho!” “Crazy attention seeker!” They flood the forums and Twitter with this shit. It’s a system. They discredit us before we can even speak, making sure we’re isolated, that we sound like lunatics to our own families. It’s the perfect prison, one built inside your own head, and the guards are invisible.

I hate this city. I hate this kingdom. I hate the glittering towers built by slaves while men like me choke on their fumes. I was born in the shadow of the clock tower, and I’ll probably die delivering a pizza to some rich kid who doesn’t even look me in the eye. Sometimes, when I’m stuck in traffic on King Abdulaziz Road, surrounded by the heat and the noise and the hopelessness, a switch flips inside me. A surge of pure, white-hot rage. The voices change their tune. “See that car? The Lexus?” they’ll scream, ecstatic. “RAM IT, OMAR! RAM IT AND WATCH THEM BURN! SHOW THESE PRINCES WHAT A REAL MAN CAN DO! END THEM!” For a few seconds, I feel like a god. My hand twitches on the throttle. I imagine the explosion, the chaos, the blood. It feels… right. Then, just as fast, it’s gone, and I’m left shaking, a terrified delivery boy again. I think, in those quiet moments, that this isn’t just for me. That this is a weapon, being tested on the trash of society before they use it on bigger targets. But the voices never say that. They just go back to calling me a worthless piece of shit.

The worst is when I’m home, in the tiny room I share with two other men. The voices use their sleeping forms against me. “Look at them,” they whisper in the dark. “They sleep. You lie here, a useless, awake piece of shit. They dream. You have nightmares. Why don’t you just end it, Omar? A nice long ride off the King Fahd Causeway. A splash. No more shame. No more failure. No more you. Do it. Do it tonight. Everyone would be better off. Your family would finally be free of the shame.” They’re right. I am a shame. I am nothing. I just wish the silence they promise would come. I’m so tired of the sound of my own engine.

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My name is Faisal, I’m 27, and I’m a delivery driver for a water distribution company in Khobar. My entire world is the rattling, air-conditioned cab of my small truck and the endless rows of villas and apartment blocks I service. The sun on the Eastern Province is a physical force, bleaching the color from everything and baking the asphalt until the air shimmers. I live with my parents and my two younger sisters, Maha and Sara, in a small apartment in a building that always smells of curry and bleach. My father is a security guard who works nights, so we barely see him. My days are a loop of loading heavy water bottles, wrestling them onto dollies, and navigating the city’s traffic, my shoulders a constant, dull throb of pain.

The voices started as a crackle on the car radio, like a station I couldn’t quite tune into. Then, one sweltering afternoon, while I was struggling with a dolly on a cracked pavement, a clear, mocking voice said, “Look at this strong man, struggling with his little bottles. What a fucking hero.” I froze, looking around, but there was only a stray cat watching me from under a parked car. Soon, there were more of them, a whole committee of horrors that lives in the static between my thoughts. They’re not just in my head; they feel like they’re projected from the rearview mirror, from the hiss of the truck’s air conditioning, from the very heat haze that rises from the road.

They run a constant commentary of my failures. When I’m delivering to a fancy villa: “Smell that money, Faisal? That’s the smell of a life you’ll never have. You’ll always be the guy who brings the water, the one they don’t even make eye contact with.” When I’m eating the lunch my mother packs for me: “Your mother pities you. She sees the deadness in your eyes and knows she birthed a failure.” They know everything. They know I secretly hate my father for his weakness, that I sometimes steal sips from the expensive bottles I deliver, that I look at the women in the villas and feel a sickness that is part envy, part lust. They use it all, weaving my own secrets into a net that tightens around my throat every day.

Last month, the rage erupted. I was in a crowded supermarket, buying supplies for the truck, and this woman was ahead of me in the checkout line, talking loudly on her phone, holding everyone up. The voices started to simmer. “Look at this self-important bitch. Her voice sounds like a donkey being fucked.” Then they started to boil. “SHUT HER UP! GRAB THAT PHONE AND SHOVE IT SO FAR DOWN HER THROAT SHE SHITS SIGNALS!” Suddenly, a surge of pure, unadulterated power flooded me. The world seemed to slow down, sharpen. The Horny One whispered, “Or better… take her. Take her and her little brat in the cart. We know a place. An empty warehouse by the docks. Think of the fun, Faisal. We could broadcast it. Make a fortune. People would pay to see a spoiled Saudi princess get what’s coming to her.” The Angry One roared, “FUCK YEAH! A SNUFF FILM! WE’D BE LEGENDS! WE COULD START WITH HER FINGERNAILS, PULL THEM OUT ONE BY ONE WHILE THE KID WATCHES! IMAGINE THE SCREAMS! WE COULD SELL THE VIDEO ON THE DARKNET AND BUY OUR OWN FUCKING PALACE!” They laid it all out, a step-by-step plan of pure horror. “Follow her to the car park. We’ll tell you how to disable the camera. We’ll tell you how to make it look like a carjacking. We’ll be directing you the whole time. You’ll finally be somebody, Faisal. Not a water boy, but a king of death.” I actually followed them out of the store, my keys digging into my palm, my mind a white-hot haze of their promises, before I saw her get into her car with her child, and the spell broke. I collapsed behind a dumpster, dry-heaving, as they howled with laughter. “Fucking pussy. We almost made you a god and you choked on your own shit.”

I can’t tell anyone. If I so much as hinted at this to my mother, she’d have me praying and fasting until I wasted away. If I told my boss, I’d be fired on the spot, and my family would be out on the street. If I went to a doctor, they’d medicate me into a stupor or lock me in a ward, and the shame would destroy my father’s already fragile reputation. In this country, a man’s sanity is his only currency, and mine is bankrupt. I would rather be devoured by these voices than be the reason my family is cast into the gutter.

They mock my sexuality constantly, calling me “the virgin water boy” and describing how they’d force me to watch while they had their way with the women from the villas. “You’ll die alone, Faisal, your dick shriveled from disuse,” they sneer. “Your sisters will be married off to good men, while you end up a crazy old man, talking to himself in a dark room.” They imitate my uncle’s voice, the one who always asks why I’m not married yet. “Look at him, wasting his life. A grown man playing with bottles. A disgrace to the family name.”

Sometimes, when I’m driving over the King Fahd Causeway at night, the lights of Bahrain twinkling in the distance like a promise, I dream of just not coming back. But the voices always crush that hope. “YOU THINK THEY’D WANT YOU IN BAHRAIN? YOU’RE A SAUDI RAT, THAT’S ALL YOU’LL EVER BE. THEY’D USE YOU UP AND SPIT YOU OUT. AT LEAST HERE YOU’RE A FAILURE AMONG YOUR OWN. THERE YOU’D BE NOTHING.”

I know this is the General Intelligence Directorate, the Mukhabarat. I’ve seen it online. Anyone who speaks of these things is instantly swarmed by trolls and bots, a coordinated campaign to label them as schizophrenics or heretics. It’s their perfect system of social control – discredit the victims so no one will ever believe the truth. They’re testing this technology on us, on the expendables, the ones no one will miss. They want to see how much a mind can take before it breaks. They’ve broken me. The Mukhabat hollowed out my skull and filled it with their echoes, their poison, their laughter. “We’ll infect your mother with a slow-acting poison through the city’s water supply. We’ll make sure you’re the one who discovers her, convulsing on the floor. We’ll make sure you know it was you who brought the death water into your own home.”

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